From Golf Lessons to Life Lessons: The Transformative Power of Living Without Secrets in Marriage

Working Together

This past weekend, my husband offered to give me a golf lesson. To be honest, I felt both hesitant and happy! The last time he tried to teach me golf, things didn’t end well. He grew frustrated with my lack of ability, and I became flustered and emotional—which is never a good combination when someone needs to focus on the task at hand.

So I chose to be open and honest. I told him that, truthfully, the last experience had been awful and that I didn’t want a repeat. I asked how we could work together to make it a better experience for both of us. Together, we agreed to keep our emotions in check, listen to each other, and simply see how the day of golf lessons unfolded.

Golf Lessons

“Keep your head over the ball.”

I heard that phrase many times that day. My husband assumed I understood what it meant—but I had no idea. After a while, I had to be vulnerable and ask for help. Learning new things also feels harder as I get older. Sometimes it feels like going back to grade school and starting from the beginning.

After the initial look of surprise faded from his face, my husband paused. Then he placed the golf club gently on top of my head and asked me to practice my swing. That simple demonstration became my “light bulb” moment. Suddenly I understood exactly what he meant.

We continued practicing our driving, pitching, and putting before heading onto the course. Some holes went well, and some definitely didn’t. Still, I’m happy to report that I only lost one golf ball—and most importantly, we had fun working together.

Living Without Secrets

An article from our friends at Focus on the Family Canada (August/September issue), written by Justin Davis, explores the idea of Living Without Secrets. Davis compares relationships to icebergs. He explains that every iceberg has a small visible section above the waterline and a much larger portion hidden beneath the surface.

Our lives work in much the same way. People see the surface level of who we are, but we often hide our deepest and most vulnerable parts. Lowering that “waterline” can increase intimacy, but it also increases the risk of being hurt. Davis explains that “the more we reveal, the more intimacy we’ll be able to experience.”

3 Waterlines

The first is the Image Waterline. This represents your public image—the version of yourself you show to the world. It includes the parts of life you want others to see and the areas you try to make respectable. For most people, this level stays fairly surface-level.

Next comes the Relationship Waterline. This level belongs to close friends. Here, you share more of your heart and allow others to know you beyond the surface. You begin to reveal both successes and failures. For many couples, this level marks the beginning of their relationship.

The Marriage Waterline belongs exclusively to your spouse. At this level, you share your deepest emotions and most personal struggles. Davis writes, “When you stood at the altar and said ‘I do,’ you likely imagined revealing the hidden depths of your heart while feeling completely safe and secure being fully known.” That vision reflects God’s design for marriage.

Finally, there is the Hidden Waterline. This level holds the deepest and most vulnerable parts of your heart—the things you may not even share with your spouse. Many people hide here because they fear rejection or pain. Yet Davis reminds us that “when you hide the truth, you limit your ability to experience intimacy.” Partial truth will never create the closeness we desire with God or with our spouse.

As Psalm 51:6 reminds us, God “delights in truth in the inward being.”

A Good Heart To Heart Chat

After my golf lesson with my husband as instructor, we splurged and sat on patio down by the river to rest, recharge and reflect on our day. It was heartwarming because we both were open, honest and truthful about our feelings. The reward for working together as a “team” brought forth the blessings of love.

“The truth will set you free” – John 8:32

The Truth Waterline isn’t as easy as simply telling the truth, however. According to Davis, “true closeness comes with a price, and that price is complete honesty with God, with ourselves and with our spouses…If you want to increase the level of intimacy in your marriage, pursue these three values:”

Value truth-telling more than image-building

Building up your image and looking like you have it all together won’t improve the bond you have with your spouse. The only way to experience more intimacy is to be completely honest with your spouse. It’s OK not to have it all together and have all the answers. It’s OK to ask for help. But to be OK, you need to value truth-telling more than image-building.

Value transparency more than accountability

Accountability in relationships is essential, but it’s only as valuable and effective as the transparency you bring to the table, according to Davis. You don’t need to be transparent with everyone, just your spouse if you want to experience a closeness that you can’t achieve otherwise.

Value vulnerability more than the absence of conflict

Being fully known can lead to conflict, but avoiding conflict won’t bring you any closer together. To experience true intimacy, you must travel the path of vulnerability. This, I admit, is my biggest challenge and I’ve avoided conflict thinking it would provide some peace of mind, but it did the opposite. God wants you to experience a deep personal relationship in your marriage and your relationship with Him. He longs to know you and be known by you.

Conclusion

As I mature in life and in my marriage I’m learning that we must maintain our relationships, just like we maintain our homes and vehicles. Our lives will break down sometimes causing communication gaps that cause short-term pain. However, the important thing to remember is that we shouldn’t sacrifice being fully known to our spouse and to God for fear of being hurt or rejected. The long-term intimacy and love gained by sharing our “whole” selves is well worth it.

Source for Inspiration: Focus on the Family August/September 2024 Issue. Justin Davis is a popular speaker, an author and the co-founder of RefineUs Ministries and the author of Being Real – Being Perfect: How Transparency Leads to Transformation (www.Shop.FocusOnTheFamily.ca)

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